Closet Cleaning

I cleaned out my dresser tonight. Well, I didn't really clean it out, but I re-organized it and went through to find what clothes I could donate to Goodwill. I already have three large bags of clothes I had been meaning to give away in one of my closets but never got around to it, all due to laziness on my part. Most of the clothes in those bags were too tight for me--pants whose zipper I couldn't zip, pants whose waist line could only creep as high as my mid-thigh, shirts whose button I couldn't’t button, shirts that exposed my protruding belly. But, two weeks ago, I tried on some of those clothes again and I could fit in to some of them again and was almost there with others.

As I went through the drawers, throwing my pants and sweaters onto my bed, I tried them on. I couldn't remember when I wore some of these clothes last and couldn't remember why I even spent money on some of them. I squeezed into some of my jeans I wore in college. Some fit, although so snuggly my underwear line could be seen through the fabric. Others fit my hips and thighs, but I couldn't button them.

As I tried on these jeans that I wore years ago, I realized how small I was then. I'm not fat; I know that. Sure, I think I have a few pounds I could lose, but in all respects I'm a healthy weight for my height. But, I always thought I was fat. In college, I thought I was huge. I hated shopping for clothes because pants wouldn't fit and the cute tops were too tight on my body. I could only see my wall of thighs. I thought I would crush my ultra-fit and super-svelte then-boyfriend when I lied on top of him. I couldn't understand why someone who was such an athlete like him would want to be with someone pudgy like me.

Now, as I tried on those jeans that I wore regularly several years ago (well, actually more like 7 years ago) it finally dawned on me how thin I must have been then. I must have been at least ten pounds, but probably closer to 15 pounds, lighter than I am now, which would have put me at 145 pounds for my 5'11" frame. Not fat at all. No where near it. But, I thought I was. Deep down, I still think I am. And, it's painful to realize how deep those scars of being a chubby kid and being told to constantly diet by my mom really run.

There are many reason why I started my More Fit, Less Fat plan and why I started writing this blog about it. But, I think one of the main reasons is that I want to re-claim my self-image and make it my own, to say that I have absolute control over my body and how I view it. And, I'm seeing the changes in my body, my attitude, and my confidence, and I'm proud of the progress.

Not only did I clear out some of my clothes and put them in a bag labelled "Too Big, Give Away" and brought some of the clothes that I thought were too small back in to my wardrobe, but I also re-organized my dresser so that I have one drawer specifically for my exercise clothes--sports bras, shorts, running pants, long-sleeved and short-sleeved t-shirts all nicely folded next to each other. I'm taking charge, and clearing the closet way.